On Drowning

“how are you?”

“that’s kind of a loaded question”

“why”

“because at a baseline everyone is experiencing a global pandemic. On top of that were dealing with the emotional, economic, and societal changes, that said pandemic entails. And You still have to exist. Somehow continue to stand, and sit and work or not work, go to school, get grocery’s, and emotionally process the constant updates on the state of the world.”

“wow”

“yeah”

“so your not good?”

“I, like most people am treading water”

“so your swimming?”

“treading”

“what’s the difference?”

“when you swim you move, it’s about momentum, treading is all about keeping your head above the water.”

“so how long can you tread for?”

I often have to remind myself why I’m tired. I have insomnia so part of the reason I’m exhausted is because sleep is a constant battle. If you have insomnia you understand the odd, and infuriating game that is sleep. Some nights I prepare well, I make schedules, I turn off my screens, I’m conscious of my body’s inability to do something so seemingly easy. Just sleep. I’ve had insomnia for years, I understand that exhaustion, but this one is different. This one is the fight to take care of yourself. The fight to shower and eat well. to be present. So I remind myself that there’s a reason I’m tired.

“what’s the reason!”

“you can’t process something while you’re in it, or I can’t”

“how do you process something when you’re not in it?”

“depends, everyone does it differently.”

“what do you do?”

“I talk, or make something”

This new ecosystem of social distancing and online worlds creates a new kind of pressure. Almost elevating this constant need so many of us have to do something productive. Because so many of our priority’s and enjoyments have been restricted there appears to be more time. How can you be productive when it’s so difficult to just move? How do we expect ourselves to do more when everything broke, and we are yet to reforge it. Bearing this is in mind I have a challenge for you. One I have been pursuing these last few weeks. Do nothing. Set aside five minutes, less if you have to, do absolutely nothing. You’ll immediately run into a problem.

“I’m sitting, my heart is beating, I’m breathing and thinking, that’s not nothing”

“no, it’s not nothing”

But then Actively being where you are isn’t nothing. Being completely in your own body, present to your life, is in my opinion an extremely productive use of one’s time.

“but isn’t that hard, people don’t want to be present when the present is so shitty”

“yes its hard, but we can’t tread forever”

“why?”

“we’ll drown”